I'm sorry that I have to break this to you... it really did come as a shock to all of us. Do you want some water? Just try to remain calm. I don't really know how else to say this, so I'm just going to come out and say it.
The Daily Record, that bastion of journalistic excellence and integrity, somehow contrived to make a small error in their reporting today.
Just try to stay calm. I know, it's awful. Here, have a tissue. It'll be OK. Worse things happen at sea, and all that.
Are you ready? I'll tell you exactly what happened. If you need me to stop for a minute, just let me know. I realise news like this is hard to take in.
Apparently, the Record today reported that Kilmarnock striker Paul di Giacomo had signed for Morton on loan until the end of the season. This would boost Morton's tally of strikers to around 6,000. The same article made mention of the fact that Scott Chaplain, the Ayr United midfielder, was on his way to Cappielow. Jim McInally later ably scotched both of these rumours in concise fashion, and in doing so, sent the towering edifice of the Daily Record's reputation for honesty, accuracy and quality reporting, crashing to the ground like so many oversized Jenga pieces.
Sean Dillon's transfer is still set to go ahead. I realise that it's not much consolation at a time like this, though. Who would ever have thought that the Record could make a mistake? This is what it's like when I found out that Santa wasn't real.